i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i think my cat just said my name.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
