I'm going to jail i love you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
