Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
