I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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