I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
