I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
