my shit smells like andre
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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