Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize