My hand turned me down
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
