i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
