He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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