Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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