Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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