tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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