you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
