it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize