She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
