No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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