Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
