Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize