mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
