OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
