about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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