wrigley field is MILF paradise
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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