Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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