im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
