I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
