I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize