No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
