Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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