Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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