You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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