Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
