We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
