dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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