mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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