I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So vagazzling was a success
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
