remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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