So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
