I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
