i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
