i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
