there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
