R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
