i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
