Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
