how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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