So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize