um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
