To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
