i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
