Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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