Apparently you make a good broom.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
