Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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