Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
